Criminal Court Judge: The Honorable Sidney Lumet
Prosecutor: Moira McDermott
Defense Attorney: Addle Gehirnberg
Defendant: Billy Schwein
Defendant's Wife: Svea Schwein
A Famous Producer: Razzle Sparkle
A Close Personal Friend of Billy Schwein: Etha Byron
The Setting: A courtroom in Sempervirens City, California
[Sound Effects]: The sound dies down as a court official stands up to address the courtroom.
[Clerk]: Line 34 in the matter of Billy Schwein
[Stage Direction]: Prosecutor McDermott moves to stand at the table. Defense Attorney Addle Gehirnberg moves to the defendant's stand, and defendant Billy Schwein, the once famed head of the Children's Mental Health Association, and who now stands accused of molesting the children entrusted to him, begins to move from the back of the courtroom to the defendant's stand. The light glints off of his shiny new walker, and Billy grips the handles in an attempt to work in a well-worn look and feel. He looks curiously at the relatively un-scuffed feet of the walker, and wonders if there's something that he can do to make it glide across the floor, rather than scrape and hop on the rubberized feet.
[Sound Effects]: SQUEEL, SCRAAAAAPE,CHIRP
[Moira McDermott]: Moira McDermott for the people your honor.
[Addle Gehirnberg]: Good morning your honor.
[Stage Direction]: Addle preens and primps, making no visible changes to his appearance, and then fumbles out some unintelligible words of measure about being in the presence of the judge.
[The Honorable Sidney Lumet]: Mr Gehirnberg has filed a motion to continue the trial date and the district attorney has filed an opposition; we have your written statements, is there anything else you'd like to add Mr. Gehirnberg?
[Stage Direction]: Addle fumbles with paperwork, and um's and ah's his way through a few false starts at his preamble.
[Addle Gehirnberg]: I, I, I do your honor.
[Stage Direction]: Addle proceeds to mumble and speechify about a myriad of unrelated incidentals working up to his attempt to explain why he has not been preparing for the Schwein trial for the last few weeks since he closed his arguments in the trial of the famous music producer Razzle Sparkle, while the jury was interminably debating the case. (Or for the two years since his client, Mr. Schwein was arrested, for that matter...)
[Addle Gehirnberg]: First of all, uh, with uh, respect to the uh, some of the uh, things that uh I uh feel uh now
[Stage Direction]: Addle drones on for a bit, while preparing to deliver a convoluted string of dates in an attempt to show what he's been saying all along: that he really isn't that good at anticipating the duration of his own defense presentation.
[Addle Gehirnberg]: As of July 24th, 2008 , I had already as of May 22nd 2008, been assigned to a trial in Tinsel City...
[Stage Direction]: Addle pauses to look around the room with that knowing look that one gives to indicate that they're involved in very important matters indeed!
[Sound Effects]: Silence, then the brief chirp of a single cricket.
[Stage Direction]: Deflated, Addle continues with his speech.
[Addle Gehirnberg]: We set the January 2009 trial date in the Schwein case with the understanding that it might have to be postponed. Through no fault of the defense, the Sparkle trial did not conclude until April 13th!
[Stage Direction]: As Addle continues to argue the specifics about dates and times, we cut away for intermission. At the beginning of the next segment, we find Addle still preparing to come to the point about his inability to manage his time in finding expert witnesses.
[Addle Gehirnberg]: It was only two days ago that we were told that there would be a Child Sexual Foundation, Sexual Abuse Foundation Syndrome, expert I'm asking for 3 Weeks. I don't think anyone would be adversely affected with a 3 week postponement.
[Stage Direction]: The Honorable Sidney Lumet directs his gaze to the Prosecutor waiting for her comments.
[Moira McDermott]: We would like the trial to proceed on May 11th ! There are numerous people on this case who have planned their schedules around this date.
[Stage Direction]: The prosecutor briefly outlines the opportunities that the defense attorney should have taken advantage of to meet his prior commitments to the court and to the people of Sempervirens City.
[Moira McDermott]: There is plenty of time for Gehirnberg to attend to those matters. The victims...
[Stage Direction]: Noisily, and abruptly, after hearing the word "victim" Mrs. Schwein interrupts the prosecutor.
[Svea Schwein]: Snort!
[Stage Direction]: Not noticing Mrs. Schwein's snort, the prosecutor continues...
[Moira McDermott]: the victims in this case deserve to have their trial.
[Stage Direction]: Cut to an aside:
[Svea Schwein, whispering under her breath]: I can't find my lipstick! All I have in my purse is "Demur" by Yves San Lawrence, I can't wear that!!! I can't find my usual bright red "HussyBeacon" that I get in bulk 30 packs at PriceCompany! [louder now] Where's my lipstick? Snort, Oink!
[Stage Direction]: A peculiar and unpleasant odor emanates from the back row of the courtroom.
[Stage Direction]: The judge gazes patiently at the defense attorney waiting for his response to the prosecutor.
[Addle Gehirnberg]: I'm still reaching out to experts [eyes roll and giggles are heard from the public seating area], so that I can prepare for trial. No single witness could have possibly known when their testimony was needed.
[The Honorable Sidney Lumet]: To the extent that the attorney is charged with adequately representing his client, Under the circumstances I will agree to a continuance to June 1st, BUT, it WILL be June the First...
[Addle Gehirnberg, rudely interrupting the judge]: I have no doubt about that your honor!
[The Honorable Sidney Lumet]: I WILL be in this courtroom, and It WILL be June the first...
[Addle Gehirnberg, again interrupting the judge]: We will be in this courtroom your honor absolutely, without a question .
[Stage Direction]: At this point Addle uncrosses his fingers and toes, as Billy Schwein shuffles conspicuously back to stand by the door, next to his wife, Mrs. Schwein. Billy Schwein has a pensive look on his face as he thinks about the fact that his wife is looking disheveled and emaciated of late, and that she's going to have to make a better effort if he's going to be able to use her to prop up his image during the trial, if they ever have it... Maybe he should have divorced her long ago, and married his doctor friend Etha Byron, she understands his "needs" even better than Svea does!
[Props and Effects]: The screen fades to black.
TAGS: Dr. William Hamilton Ayres, MD Solveig Ayres, William H. Ayres, Dr William H. Ayres MD, pedophile child molester president American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,Peninsula Psychiatric Associates, Solveig Troxel, Etta Bryant, Dr. Etta C. Bryant, Dr Etta Bryant MD, Melissa McKowan, Phil Spector, Dorn Weinberg